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April 10, 2012

IDENTITY CRISIS

Yesterday, as I was vacuuming up day old eggs off the kitchen floor, I thought a lot about this little blog..and running...and the lack thereof. 

I started to question why I feel so guilty for not running.   I know I am eating healthy (outside of cookies for breakfast that one day last week) and I know I am getting plenty of exercise.  I've become pretty consistent (and quite addicted) to North Macon CrossFit.

So, why do I feel like I SHOULD be running, but I don't feel like I WANT to?

Troy always says guilt is a feeling from doing something wrong - so I guess I really don't feel "guilty" for not running.  I just feel weird.

And then yesterday, as I was cleaning up those eggs - thinking about how different my life is today than it was a year ago, 3 years ago, 10 years ago...it dawned on me - I have a new identity.  One of wife, mother, business partner, egg cleaner-upper.  For so long I identified myself as girlfriend and RUNNER.  And that was pretty much it.  [I was also an "employee" but really...I mean I was civil-service.  Need I say more?]

This new identity, for me, hasn't been able to add "runner" to the list of job requirements.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I still like to talk about running, watch other people run, and heck, I really do like getting out for a social run and/or race.  I even LIKE it when our WOD consists of running.  I just don't want to make it a "job" anymore.  Period.  I just want to do it when I want to and when I can. 

And guess what?  That's the upside to being an adult.  I can decide what I'm going to do or not do on a daily basis!

So, I'm going to stop obsessing over it.  So what - I'm no longer a "runner"?  I still know how to run (FYI: we all know how to run...it's not overly difficult).  And maybe in six months, thanks to North Macon CrossFit, I will actually be strong enough to front squat the prescribed weight and run a fast 400!

I always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom.  It was something Troy and I discussed before we ever said "we do."  It's not always been peaches and cream.  Actually, it's not really been at all what I imagined.  But I've always known that, like my daily choice to not run, being a stay-at-home mom is a choice that we made and a choice I will NEVER regret. 

So, to this new identity...one that gets up at 5am to pound out 100 kettle bell swings, 100 pushups, 100 squats, and 100 situps...in less than 15 minutes...one that lives and dies by a ridiculous routine of "make breakfast", "do laundry", "make lunch", "clean house", "make dinner"...one that in between those squats and folding laundry, involves teaching a 16 month old that the wall is yellow or that we wear socks on our feet, not on our hands:

Welcome aboard. 

2 comments:

Char said...

I think you're a runner on maternity break. I took quite a long time off running (about 8 years) when I first had my kids. It was just easier to go to the gym and put them in child care. But a runner will always have the thing pulling them back and eventually a returned to my first love.

Nicole said...

So much of our routine is depended on our mindset. I can totally relate to your frustration as I too have been having trouble getting back into a good exercise routine and I know it has everything to do with a mental block of some kind!