This is the last post you'll hear on this topic: I promise.
I have decided to stop trying to figure out why I don't want to run faster and just start running. Yeah, I know...it's a novel idea [insert sarcasm], and to most people, they probably just think I need some more Prozac. BUT to you runners out there, I know you totally get what I'm saying.
Here's the lowdown:
I've spent the last 4 1/2 months trying to figure out why I don't want to run. Actually, it's not that I don't want to run - I just don't want to run fast.
There. I said it.
I don't know why I don't want to run fast (and if Dr. Laura were reading this blog, she'd totally disapprove of that line - but she doesn't read my blog...and that I am sure of.) I just know that when I think about it, I get heart burn and a headache.
And on top of all the heartburn and headaches, I've been spending all this time trying to figure out why I don't want to run fast - and in a strange turn of events, I've basically just stopped running at all. Weird, isn't it? I've had this mind set that if I don't run "for a purpose of running faster" then I shouldn't be running at all. So, every morning I get up and torture myself throughout the entire day with the thought that "I'm going to run fast as soon as I get off of work." And guess what? I never "get off of work."
You see, someone forgot to tell me that when you are self-employed, you job never ends. (Note to all you self-employed peeps: That would have been super-helpful information...oh I don't know...like 9 months ago!)
So by the end of the day - while work is still going on around me - I'm stressed and I'm tired (yes, just like everyone else on this planet) - and then I start to think about running fast and I get more stressed and more tired. So, I take the easy way out: I just don't run at all.
And like the big cycle that is life: when I don't run, I get even more stressed out, which makes me even tired-er.
It makes no sense. I can see that, but I can't convince myself at the end of the day to "just go run even if it is slow and easy." I just can't. I've ingrained in myself that if I'm not running fast, I shouldn't be running at all.
Let me make a caveat here: at no time, and in no way, shape, or form has RC or Team POD ingrained this in me. I've done it to myself. I can ASSURE you that if RC had his way, I would be doing what made me happy 1st and foremost, whether it be running, unicycling, or hang gliding...Team POD rocks...always.
In other words, they are not the problem. I am the problem.
Really though, in an effort to make sure that the people who like me will continue to like me, I've got to take my stress level down a couple of notches. I need to take a step back and do some things that some people won't like (including me) so that in the end I can be doing some things that I love.
And running to "get faster" is one of those things that I've got take a step back from. In other words: I'm bailing out on Team POD.
Whew....I can't believe I just said that.
Of course, I won't be taking a running hiatus. If I've learned one thing these last few months, it's that I love to just running for the sake of running. No time, no speed, no expectations. Just me, my shoes, and anyone else who wants to run alongside me. (Besides that, I really don't want to get fat so quitting running will never be an option.) I'll also still be posting to my blog but you might read more about how the increase in pollen has made my snot rockets a hazy shade of yellow. And yes, I'll still be at the races but I'll probably be running with the cutest 9-year old you've ever seen (or both of them!)
In other words, I'll still be here, but it will be a different Running Amy - one with much less stress, much less heart burn, and a much happier husband.