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March 21, 2010

I'M A POSER

This is the last post you'll hear on this topic: I promise.

I have decided to stop trying to figure out why I don't want to run faster and just start running. Yeah, I know...it's a novel idea [insert sarcasm], and to most people, they probably just think I need some more Prozac. BUT to you runners out there, I know you totally get what I'm saying.

Here's the lowdown:

I've spent the last 4 1/2 months trying to figure out why I don't want to run. Actually, it's not that I don't want to run - I just don't want to run fast.

There. I said it.

I don't know why I don't want to run fast (and if Dr. Laura were reading this blog, she'd totally disapprove of that line - but she doesn't read my blog...and that I am sure of.) I just know that when I think about it, I get heart burn and a headache.

And on top of all the heartburn and headaches, I've been spending all this time trying to figure out why I don't want to run fast - and in a strange turn of events, I've basically just stopped running at all. Weird, isn't it? I've had this mind set that if I don't run "for a purpose of running faster" then I shouldn't be running at all. So, every morning I get up and torture myself throughout the entire day with the thought that "I'm going to run fast as soon as I get off of work." And guess what? I never "get off of work."

You see, someone forgot to tell me that when you are self-employed, you job never ends. (Note to all you self-employed peeps: That would have been super-helpful information...oh I don't know...like 9 months ago!)

So by the end of the day - while work is still going on around me - I'm stressed and I'm tired (yes, just like everyone else on this planet) - and then I start to think about running fast and I get more stressed and more tired. So, I take the easy way out: I just don't run at all.

And like the big cycle that is life: when I don't run, I get even more stressed out, which makes me even tired-er.

It makes no sense. I can see that, but I can't convince myself at the end of the day to "just go run even if it is slow and easy." I just can't. I've ingrained in myself that if I'm not running fast, I shouldn't be running at all.

Let me make a caveat here: at no time, and in no way, shape, or form has RC or Team POD ingrained this in me. I've done it to myself. I can ASSURE you that if RC had his way, I would be doing what made me happy 1st and foremost, whether it be running, unicycling, or hang gliding...Team POD rocks...always.

In other words, they are not the problem. I am the problem.

Really though, in an effort to make sure that the people who like me will continue to like me, I've got to take my stress level down a couple of notches. I need to take a step back and do some things that some people won't like (including me) so that in the end I can be doing some things that I love.

And running to "get faster" is one of those things that I've got take a step back from. In other words: I'm bailing out on Team POD.

Whew....I can't believe I just said that.

Of course, I won't be taking a running hiatus. If I've learned one thing these last few months, it's that I love to just running for the sake of running. No time, no speed, no expectations. Just me, my shoes, and anyone else who wants to run alongside me. (Besides that, I really don't want to get fat so quitting running will never be an option.) I'll also still be posting to my blog but you might read more about how the increase in pollen has made my snot rockets a hazy shade of yellow. And yes, I'll still be at the races but I'll probably be running with the cutest 9-year old you've ever seen (or both of them!)

In other words, I'll still be here, but it will be a different Running Amy - one with much less stress, much less heart burn, and a much happier husband.

7 comments:

Char said...

It's so easy to get bogged down with a 'must run fast' mind-set. I've been there and managed to break myself in the process.I've had to change my thinking to 'must run slow' and it's quite nice to take the foot off the accelerator for a while and enjoy running for what it is - an opportunity to get out and see the world while doing something good for myself. I'm self-employed too and know the relentless pressures you're under. Just be kind to yourself and run when you can - don't beat yourself up if you can't.

Jim said...

Okay . . . step away from the watch and the Garmin. You are in serious need of rediscovering why you run. Think about it-why did you start?

Like most folks, it was not to try to be competitive but to relax, explore, change your life. I've done the same cycle twice and both times it almost cost me my whole running life.

Sometimes, you have to understand that life demands things other than fartleks, repeats, Yasso 800s, or whatever else you're addicted to.

Step back from the crowd. Do some solo runs. Don't measure distance or time. Choose a different route. Explore some areas (safe areas) where you have not gone before. Get away from the track. Maybe run to work and ride back with Troy. There are all kinds of thing you can do to change up your routine. Routine will kill you.

Hope you discover the runner in you and stop trying to be superwoman!

Love you!

Leora said...

yiiiiiiyyyyaaaaa, I relate. My favorite runs are times when I run somewhere I need to be. Like running to my mom's house for dinner, or leaving an hour early and start running towards a destination that people in a car can pick me up along the way.

Take it easy aim gizzard

Bryan said...

I know that would make those two 9-year olds happy!

RC said...

My best run in the last 12 months was the evening I ran in wet snow from my house to a friend of Brenley's. With wet slippery snow under my feet there was no way of even getting close to my EASY PACE. I just ran to feel the snow hitting my face, the cold air in my lungs, and to freak Brenley out. Who's Dad runs in weather like that for 7 miles just to say hey to his daugher :)

Anyway one of the key "disciplines" of TEAM Pain of Discipline is to ENJOY what you are doing. It takes discipline to not get crazy and overwhelmed by life. It takes discipline to not take yourself too seriously. It takes discipline to stop and smell the roses.

You are not stepping back from TEAM POD, you are actually stepping back in by focusing on the Pain of Discpline of enjoying life.

Run Strong Grasshopper and have fun doing it.

Thomas Bussiere said...

Congrats - You are now a mature runner. It's not always about the watch, HR monitor, speed, pace, what others think,...but about what running means to you and the way it makes you a better person. Their will always be someone faster and stronger: Don't compete with them, set your own goals. I like the honesty - Great post.

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