August 30, 2007
THIS IS GOING TO HURT ME MORE THAN IT'S GOING TO HURT YOU...
So, today, during lunch with my main man (sorry Dad, it was Troy) he said something that was new. You know that part of the relationship where you're like "how did we get here?", or "I never thought he/she would say something like that". We found that part today.
I should have prefaced this with "nothing in this post is meant in a mean, or angry fashion...instead I had an eye opening experience that I think is worthy of a post". In other words, I ain't mad at ya' T.
Back to the story.
So I'm telling him all about how I am so sick of waking up late. And actually, I had written a whole post (in my head) about it and was planning on posting it when I got home (cause you know I don't blog at work...). Anyway, I going on and on about waking up late and how maybe I just need to get up everyday at the same time (5am) so that my body will just naturally want to get up and get going. And how that's my "new plan" and does he think I'm crazy? And he just looks right at me and says (and this is not verbatim because that was like 4 hours ago and I can't remember everything he said) but he sorta said:
"It's kind of annoying"
And I was like, "huh, what is annoying?"
And he was like, "all these new plans, old plans, not gonna do this anymore, gonna start doing this plans...why not just live and not make plans?"
And that was the first time he's ever just ___________. I can't think of the word to put there...it's not "criticized me" or "told me like it is"....it's just ___________. Maybe the word will come to me. Or maybe Kat, my favoritest English teacher, will fill in the blank.
Anyway, it just made me realize 1) how much he pays attention to me and 2) how ridiculous I am and 3) how obsessive compulsive I am, which actually fits in with #2 of being ridiculous.
Everyday I make something new that I'm going to start doing, or something I'm going to stop. I make a plan for running, for getting up in the morning, for getting things done at work, for the wedding, for running errands, plans for even when I'm going to wash my car. I am a planning freak. And I guess through all of my years of planning it has all culminated into this weird habit of making plans to start or stop things. And the reality of all of it is that I never follow through with any of the plans that I plan to start or stop. And I am driving myself crazy for it.
And although this may sound trivial to most (if not all) of you, it is a big deal for me. Part of my very existence has depended on me having a plan, too many goals, order, and above all a schedule to meet all of my demands. I probably spend more time in a day reviewing/rewriting/tweaking my schedule than I do on anything else. And I don't know how I got here or how long it's been going on. I guess long enough for it to start getting on Troy's nerves.
So, (and this is where the hard part comes in) I've got to do something about it. A part of me just wants to burn my entire calendar and never buy another one again. But the other, more rational part of me, knows that I might jump in that fire after my calendar if I were to do that. I'm just not sure how to approach this whole thing. I know I need to stop planning to start or stop doing things. But do I plan that? Or do I just do it? It sortof feels like I'm getting ready to walk off of a bridge. I am really just at a loss for what to do. And I know you guys are thinking "just stop planning stuff"...but doesn't that sound too hard? Or maybe it's just too easy and I'm overcomplicating the whole thing. I have this feeling like if I don't have plans or schedules to do stuff then I'll just sit on the couch and rot.
Troy takes it very easy. He often says he has a "casual relationship with time" and I want to be that person. I just want to live, go, do, and not worry...but that seems like it's so hard.
I hate to say "I'm going to plan to not plan" because that sounds stupid. I don't know what I'm going to do.
Maybe I could just do nothing. Just stop. For a while. And take it easy too.
I'll let you know how the progress goes. I feel like maybe I need to find a 12 step program for obsessive compulsive planners.....
But for now, I'm off to help stuff race packets for the Labor Day Road Race, on well, duh, Monday.
One other thing: I should have mentioned this in a whole post to itself, but if any of you follow baseball or the Little League World Series....those great group of boys that are now the World Champs are from the same town that I work in and the same town that some of our family lives in. As a matter of fact, Troy's niece is the girlfriend of one of the players. Anyway, what a great group of kids that could show us all a little something about living.
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Photo at top courtesy of jupiterimages.com
LLWS photo courtesy of macon.com