Save Amy's Running.....
Okay, I'm fessing up. But please be forewarned that this is sortof a case of the whines. But I need to get this off of my chest. So here goes.
I am totally and unbelievably unmotivated. I mean I'm not talking about a "sorta don't feel it" day...I'm talking about complete and utter shutdown. I feel totally helpless and lost. If that makes any sense.
I found out a few weeks ago that I totally like running in the morning. I even had my schedule down where I could get in 30 minutes of weights pre-run. (and yes, I know I should be doing them post-run but it just doesn't work out like that). And then the mornings started to get away from me...I started oversleeping...making excuses if I did manage to get up on time. That I needed to get some laundry done before work, or that (gasp) I needed to go into work early. Things just aren't right. And I have no idea why.
I'm just totally unmotivated. And EVERYTHING seems like work. Even flossing my teeth seems like a chore these days. Weird.
I thought that maybe the idea of waiting to so long (Feb 08) to run another scheduled marathon was making me lazy. So, I sortof got an idea to run one in October. But that thought lasted for about 2 days before I realized I wasn't interested in that either.
I KNOW (am acutely aware) that my life is busy. It starts around 5am and doesn't stop until around 9pm, unless I have class...in that case my day doesn't end until 11pm. So, yes, I'm averaging about 6 hours of sleep. Most of the time it involves me falling asleep on the couch and waking sometime in the early morning hours to drag my lazy carcass upstairs, or it involves me physically getting up and hitting the snooze button 47 times. I mean really. I get up, walk across the room, hit snooze, walk back across the room, and get back in bed. Every 10 minutes. For sometimes 2 hours. If that isn't unmotivation, then I don't know what is.
So here are my predicaments.
1. I want to run another marathon. NO, I want to run lots of marathons.
2. I want to run faster.
3. I wonder if I'm burned out from run, run, run.
4. I really just want to be healthy and not get fat. That's the truth.
5. But even after saying #4, I really do love running.
6. So, that makes me go back to #3. Burnout.
7. And then there is the whole time factor thing. It's really hard to be at work by 8am, work until 5pm, go to school (or study on off nights), plan a wedding, live a life, spend time with T, plus anything else that is going on...oh, and then I have to run/workout/whatever.
It's totally making me crazy.
I miss kickboxing. But adding another expense means taking money from somewhere else (ie, the wedding budget) so that's an option at this time. And then I'm scared to take time off from running. What if I never find my way back? And then I feel like I have to prove something. I'm not sure who I'm proving it to, or what I'm trying to prove. Maybe it's just proving that I can do it. You know. Do it all. And keep my head above water. Cause I'm a girl and I rock. In that sorta way. But right now all I'm doing is making myself crazy. And I sorta don't feel good either. Not really bad, but like my calf hurt this morning. My calf never hurts. Maybe that's just part of turning 31...who knows.
And then I try to read blogs to get motivated. And that only makes me feel like a big loser. As I read everyone's great race reports or see their weekly mileage top out at 20 or 30 miles, and I barely eeked 3 miles out. Troy tells me that he thinks I'm busy all the time. That I do alot. And I know that I do. But even if I get everything else done, running always takes a back seat and I feel horrible about it. I could save the world in one week, but if I don't get in all the runs I want, then I beat myself up for being so lazy.
Anyway, as you can see I'm sortof in a rut. And I have no idea what to do about it. I will take any and all suggestions, because I know that someone out there has to be feeling the same way I do.