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April 01, 2006

Questions

I found myself questioning alot of stuff yesterday.

Like, 1st and foremost, what exactly is "good enough?"

Is it good enough that I have not one, but two bachelors degrees?
Is it good enough that I don't eat fast food, or anything with partially hydrogenated oil in it?
Is it good enough that I quit smoking?
Is it good enough that I run?
Am I good enough for it all?

I took a certification exam yesterday, because I feel like it's not good enough to have graduated from college (twice), but that I must also be certified in everything accounting related.
I swore off dessert, because not eating fast food or donuts or candy bars or junk period is not good enough.
I quit smoking and started exercising, but that wasn't good enough. It would be better to run a marathon.
And don't even get me started on how my volunteerism has gotten extremely out of hand...

It seems that everything can be taken just one step further. Nothing is good enough.

It hit me when I woke up yesterday morning to get some pre-exam studying done. And I started to wonder "why am I doing this?" Of course, T made it all better by telling me that it had something to do with wanting to be successful in my career...and he was right. And then it hit me again when I was in the grocery store yesterday afternoon. And I saw the sour cream angel food cake...next to the fresh strawberries...which coincindentally is my (new) favorite dessert...and like a ton of bricks, it hit me....I am good enough to have fresh fruit and fat free cake because overall I DO take care of myself. So, I bought it...(whole different story is that I fell asleep on the couch and never touched the cake...haha...).

At any rate, all of this pushing myself to the limit has got me thinking. That there must be a reason that I'm being so hard on myself. That I can't just sit back and look at all of my accomplishments (over the last 8 months no less) and be HAPPY with what I've done. I don't know why I can't. I've always been a perfectionist, as long as I can remember. Everything could always be better, but I didn't always feel like I HAD to make them better. I don't know what changed. I don't know why I changed. And I don't quite know who I am trying to prove something to.

And when will it all be good enough? When I will feel like my drive, my pushing will have paid off? When I will I stop to smell the roses, instead of feeling like they would look better if I give them a little more fertilizer?

1 comment:

thatredheadedlady said...

I can totally relate to the "never good enough" thing, even though it sounds like you try a lot harder than I do at this "good enough" thing -

We both need to give ourselves a break!