January 04, 2006

Racing Mind, not Feet

I'm completely stressed out. I haven't been keeping up with my training like I should. I have pre-obligated myself to doing too much for other people. I'm at my whits end. I cried at work this morning (thank goodness no one saw me). Two of my family members were hospitalized in the last 3 days for unrelated illnesses. I am the only "reliable" one in my family. I can't say no. I want to crawl under my desk and cry some more. I want to get a tattoo on my forehead that says "if it doesn't involve t2, running, or someone dying, don't ask me for help". That might hurt. and I might get fired from my job. I've got so much on my plate between now and next Tuesday, it's ridiculous. And then I leave for a 7 week TDY. 7 freakin weeks. And I still haven't finished unpacking from the two places where my stuff is residing. I think I might be homeless...or have too many homes. I haven't decided yet. And kat's shower is Sunday. And I haven't begun to think about flower arrangements (except that I need to do that). And I have a relay for life meeting tomorrow, for which i'm not prepared. And 2006 relay kickoff is Monday, and i'm really really not prepared for that. Oh and I have to pack. And work between now and then. And i haven't paid my bills, not because i don't have the money, but just because i haven't had the time to sit down and write a check or two. But, that's okay because the bank called me today to remind me to do that. at work. nice. and i have a conference call at 3:30, which is when i was going to go run. it better not take long. and i haven't talked to my little in a couple of weeks...oh, and i just remembered that i'll be gone for 7 weeks so when will i see her? and when will i even see her to tell her that i will be gone for 7 weeks. i'm a bad mentor. and my mom is sick. and it breaks my heart to see her heart breaking. and i just want everyone to be happy and not so rushed so that i'm happy and not so rushed. i just want to run 18 miles this week and it's wednesday and i haven't done squat. because i've spent all my "free" time at the hospital. i just want to say screw it. there is someone out there who will pick up the slack. i know there is. cause i'm that person right now. and i'm tired. i'm so so tired. i just want a break. a mental break from it all. no phone, no email, no face-to-face contact with anyone (except t2, but that was understood) and i just want to run my little heart out. and that's it. for just one day.


DawnB said...

Take a deep breath and count to ten or maybe 100. I feel you. Be strong and hang in there. I'll say a little prayer for you tonight.

Liv said...

You seem to me to be one of those amazing people who is always there for everyone but in all the mayhem sometimes forgets to be there for herself. Go for your run, you've more than earned it - and do hang in there; things will always get better. Good luck!