January 23, 2006

Lost and Found

I mentioned in a previous post that I met a bunch of runners up here. and one in particular has run 22 marathons. and how cool i thought it was to talk runner talk. and be invited on some runs with them. and all that jazz. well, i'm taking back all of the coolness and all that jazz.

i had somewhat of a mental runner meltdown last week. i think it was the combination of being face-t0-face with some real runners AND making the commitment to run San Diego. i got scared. and emotional. and confused. everyone was asking me what time i wanted to run it in. and what kind of shoes i wear. and do i listen to music. and do i have a trainer or a running partner. and what is my longest run. and how many races i was gonna run prior to. and what kind of speed work do i do. and it just got to be so so much work. and i lost the thrill of what i had initially set out to do. i lost my drive. i lost the feeling that i was the only person in the whole world who felt this way about what i was doing. i know we all have feelings that are probably similar when it comes to running but i felt like my personal feelings had been trampled, picked apart, investigated, and judged. i know i am probably wrong. everyone just wanted to be helpful, enthusiastic, and say they made another friend. but it just made me down right scared.

and so i did nothing. i didn't even take my shoes out of my trunk all week. i didn't tell anyone. no one asked. and i felt safe. because since no one was asking i had my own personal feelings all locked up, scared and shivering, inside. and they weren't coming out. or at least that's what i thought.

until saturday. when i spent the whole day doing nothing terribly exciting. and i enjoyed it. cause i didn't feel bad for woosing out. cause i didn't even think about it. until t2 came back and saw that i actually spent the whole day taking down his Christmas decorations. i don't know about most people but i spent the whole doing something relatively fun (cause it wasn't my house) but it also gave me an escape to be in denial that i had logged 0 miles for the entire week. and i'm good at being in denial. and then i got busted. the first thing he said was "did you run" and when i sheepishly said "no" he said "go put your shoes on, we're going running". and i just didn't want to. and i just didn't want to talk about it. cause then that meant that those personal scared feelings would come out. and i'd have to admit defeat. and they did. in the form of a bunch of crocodile tears that i didn't want but couldn't stop. and i don't even remember what i said. my mouth just opened and everything spilled out about how scared i was. and how intimidated i was. and these were real runners. and i was just scared. and that's when he said the thing that put me back on track. YOU ARE A RUNNER. and i thought i guess i am a runner. and i can run + i like to run + i do it often + i am training...yep that makes me a runner. and just like that the sun started to come out and i felt like smiling and i felt like being back on track. cause honestly, i am a runner. and i will only experience defeat when i lose sight of my goal: to finish the race. hero...saved the day again.

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